Jokes

 

Jokes to Get You through the Day

 

 

Animals

 

 

Looking for Deer

 

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

 

A: No eyed deer.

 

Q: What do you call the same deer with no eyes and no legs?

 

A: Still no eyed deer.

 

 

 

Fishing

 

Q: When does a fish go to the bathroom?

A: When it's dead!

 

 

 

Tail Chasing

 

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?

 

A: He was trying to make ends meet.

 

 

 

Got Any Grapes

 

A duck waddles into a bar, looks at the bartender and asks, "Got any grapes"? The startled bartender shakes his head and replies no, we don't have any grapes. The duck turns around and waddles out of the bar. The very next day the same duck waddles into the same bar and again asks the same bartender, "got any grapes"? Again a bit surprised, the bartender replies no, we still don't have any grapes. The duck turns around and waddles out of the bar. The very next day the same duck waddles into the same bar and again asks the same bartender, "got any grapes"? Now annoyed, the angry bartender replies look duck, we didn't have any grapes yesterday, we didn't have any grapes the day before yesterday, and we don't have any grapes today, and if you ever come back in here again asking for grapes, I'm gonna nail your little webbed feet to the floor. The duck turns around and waddles out of the bar. The very next day the same duck waddles into the same bar and asks the same bartender, "got any nails"? No!, the angry bartender replies.? Good, says the duck, got any grapes?

 

 

 

A Bear and a Bunny

 

A bear and a bunny were taking a dump in the woods, when the bear asks the bunny do you ever have problems with poop sticking to your fur? No, the indignant bunny replies. So the bear wiped his butt with the bunny.

 

 


Dumb Blonds

 

Blond Cop

 

A blond cop stops a blond motorist and asks for her driving license. The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I can't find it. What does it look like?"

 

The cop says, "It's square and it has your picture on it. The motorist scuffles around in her purse, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, "okay, here it is."

 

The cop says, "Okay, let me see it, then. So the blond motorist gives the mirror to the blond cop, she looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over. You can go."

 

? ??? ?? ??

 

Blonds' Revenge

 

Q: What's brown and black and blue all over?

 

A:? A brunette telling too many blond jokes.

 

 

 

Blond Finance

 

Q: Why did the blond sell her car?

 

A:She needed gas money.

 

 

 

Contractors and Blonds

 

A woman wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice peach color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.'' The lady was a little confused, but didn't say anything.? They continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies, ?I have four blonds laying sod across the street.''

 

 

 

Flying Blond

 

A commercial jet was flying to Chicago when a blond passenger in coach gets out of her seat and moves to an empty seat in first class.? Seeing this, a stewardess goes over to the blond and politely informs her that she must return to her seat in coach because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

 

The blond woman replies, I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here in first class.

 

After repeated pleas to get the women to return to coach are unsuccessful, the stewardess goes to the cockpit to inform the pilot and co-pilot of the problem. The co-pilot goes back to handle the situation, and explains to the blond that regulations require that she return to her proper seat.

 

Once again she replies, I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to? Chicago and I'm staying right here in first class.

 

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and explains the situation to the pilot, and suggests they have the bimbo arrested. The pilot says I'll handle this. My wife is blond.? I speak blond. So he goes back to where the blond women is sitting, kneels down and whispers in her ear. She suddenly shouts "oh my", gets up and returns to her seat in coach.

 

The co-pilot and stewardess are amazed at how the pilot was able to resolve the situation so quickly, and demanded to know what he told her.

 

The pilot says "I told her the coach section was going to Chicago, but first class was going to Cleveland".

 

 

 

Blond Painter

 

An ambitious young blond woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman. She began by canvassing a wealthy neighborhood, in search of odd jobs. At the first house she came to, she asked the owner if he had any jobs she could do.? "Well", he answered, "the porch in the back needs painting. How much would you charge for that?. "Fifty dollars" she replies. So he hires her, and tells her that paint and brushes are in the garage.

 

About an hour later, the blond returns to the front door and informs the owner that the job is done. The impressed owner replies, "That was fast". The young lady goes on to say that she had paint left over, so she gave it two coats. As the impressed owner prepares to pay her for her efforts, the blond adds "by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari".

 

 

 

Adult Matters

 

Nun Sense

 

Four nuns tragically died together in an accident.? When they get to the pearly gates, they line up to be assessed by Saint Peter. He greets the first nun, and tells her ?I see here that you once peeked in the shower and saw a man?s privates. Before entering heaven you must cleanse thyself. Go over to that basin of holy water and wash your eyes out. The first nun follows the directions of Saint Peter.

 

Saint Peter then greets the next nun and says ?I see where you once reached in a man?s pants and fondled his privates.? For that you must cleanse thyself before entering heaven.? Go over to that basin of hold water and wash your hands?.? As the second nun heads over to the holy water suddenly the fourth nun rushes ahead of the third nun.? A startled Saint Peter asks, ?What?s your hurry, sister??? The anxious nun replies, ?I want to wash my mouth out with that holy water before she sits in it?.

 

 

? ??? ?? ??

 

Making Puppies

 

Young Trey and his dad were taking a walk when suddenly they notice two dogs mating.? Curiously Trey asks his dad ?what?re they doing?.? Realizing he?s in a jam, his dad thinks for a minute, and then replies ?they?re making puppies?.

 

Later that night, Trey walks in his parents room and catches them making love.? ?What?re you doing? he curiously inquires.? Embarrassed, his dad answers ?uh, we?re making babies?.? Hearing that, Trey replies ?Well dad, can you flip her over, I?d rather have a puppy?.

 

 

? ??? ?? ??

 

Tight Train

 

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a cross-county train trip. They tried to make other arrangements, but the train was full and they were both very tired. They agreed to make the best of it for at least one night. There were two berths, and the man gallantly agreed to take the upper one.

 

At around 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into that closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

 

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

 

"That's a great idea!" he excitedly exclaimed.

 

"Good," she said. "Get your own damn blanket."

 

 

? ??? ?? ??

 

Stevie Wonder Golfer

 

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."

 

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."

 

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright."

 

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf!"

 

Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."

 

And Woods says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"

 

He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands. The caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

 

"But how do you putt", says Woods.

 

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

 

Woods says: "What is your handicap." Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."

 

Woods is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

 

Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that-when would you like to play?" "I don't care-any night next week is ok with me." Wonder replies.

 

 

? ??? ?? ??

 

Having a Baby

A man shouts desperately into a phone, ?My wife is pregnant, and she?s going into labor?.?

 

?Calm down? the nurse replies.? ?Is this her first child?.

 

?No, you idiot,? the man answers.? ?This is her husband.

 

 

? ??? ? ???

 

Super Bowl Tickets

 

A guy named Chester gets a ticket to the Super Bowl from his brother-in-law. Unfortunately, when Chester arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, in nosebleed territory. About halfway through the first half, Chester decides to see if there are any empty seats closer to the field.? As he looks around, he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line.

 

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Chester asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

 

The man says "No."

 

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Chester again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"

 

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married 30 years ago."

 

"Well, that's really sad," said Chester, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take with you? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

 

 



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